Yes I'd Rather Hurt Than Feel Nothing At All

I just completed a summer class in which 16 weeks of material was compacted into two weeks of hell! In March I signed up for a class entitled Psychology of Gender with a professor that I had previously taken. When class began last Monday I was rather oblivious to how much my professor, and more distinctively the class, would change my life.

We enter college hearing from those around us that college will change our lives. Once we enter college, big freakin woo, it’s a glorified high school campus with professors who could give a rat’s ass about how you do or who you are. Well at least the majority of professors are like that. I appear to be one of the lucky individuals who chose a department that has so much passion and desire for their students to achieve great things in life.

My first day as a psychology major I was told, “You will have classes that challenge you, classes that you fly through, classes that will beat you, and most importantly classes that will change you.” I remember looking at the professor and going “haha” in my head because at that naïve time in my life I thought, “how does a class change you?” However, today I realize how a class changes you. Today I realize how two weeks of rigorous, constant studying and writing and note taking can change who you are. It’s not necessarily the fact that I spent an average of five hours a night reading and taking notes, it’s what I got from the class.

I received a new sense of being, a new set of eyes, and a whole new respect for what I am, for who I am. I now view the world as a place of fear not hatred, fear of the unknown, fear of variation, fear of uncertainty. The most empowering moment for me came when we discussed religion. I am not a religious person; I do not conform to organized religion. I have faith, I have spirituality, and I stick to my beliefs, to me that is what is important.

For our class we were required to write reflection papers, papers including our thoughts and feelings of the material we had previously covered. My last paper is what I and many others like to think of as one of my best papers yet, and maybe I am being a little biased, but I don’t care. I got out what I needed to get out and for me writing has always been the best way for me to do that. It’s funny as I sit here and write this and think about the things I revealed in my paper, how similar it is to my previous posting on fate.

I’m posting my paper because as stated in the end, I want to make a difference, I want to open other individual’s eyes and that starts with letting people know how I feel. Because maybe my views can change your views, or at least get you thinking, and who knows how many people you could change!

One last note, I realize that this posting contains very controversial material and that everyone is open to their own opinion. So read further if you want, think what you want, but I challenge you to take me views into account as you read!

      I cannot begin to tell anyone how deeply affected and touched I have been by this class.  In a matter of eight days I have not only seen myself differently, but the people around me as well.  I find myself more and more aware of sexism and racism in the community and media every day.  I have discovered that many people are often unaware of their own prejudicial and discriminating acts against all sexes, genders, races, and ages.  I have deepened my own sense of respect for oppressed individuals including women, LGBT individuals, and the elderly.

       I began to reevaluate my personal views of members of the LGBT community after watching the film For the Bible Tells Me So.  I was raised Catholic, however never found myself discriminating or demeaning towards LGBT individuals.  To me they were human just as every other being on this planet, what they did in their personal life was none of my business or anyone else’s.  After watching For the Bible Tells Me So, I find myself struggling to identify as a Christian.  Do I still believe in God and have a strong faith?  Absolutely.  Do I want to be categorized as a person who hates exclusively same-sex attracted individuals, who wants to see an individual’s damnation to hell because of loving who they love?  Absolutely not.  I found myself emotionally enthralled by these individuals’ journeys of coming out, being accepted by their friends and family, and living the lives that they were born to live.

       I found each and every story touching in some way however, there were certain stories that stuck out and really challenged me to think.  One of the most challenging stories for me was that of the Poteat family.  When cameras first captured Brenda and David Poteat they were seen highlighting verses from the Bible, specifically ones that talked of homosexuality as an abomination.  During Mr. Poteat’s first interview he states that when the couple decided to have children, he prayed to God that his “son would not be gay” and that his “daughter would not be a slut.”  He concludes his thought by stating, “He did the complete opposite.”  What I found the most compelling is the fact that the Poteat’s believe homosexuality to be evil and an abomination unto God however, Mr. Poteat specifically states that “He,” to me meaning God, created his daughter to be a homosexual.  This statement seemed hypocritical and contradictory to me.  I am unsure of how he can say that his daughter is living in sin because she loves a woman, but at the same time say that God made her that way.

       By the end of the film I had discovered a recurrent theme spanning from family to family, this idea that homosexuality could somehow be prayed away.  Parents of the gay and lesbian individuals seemed to believe that frequent praying for conversion back to heterosexuality would indeed make their sons or daughters exclusively opposite-sex attracted individuals.   In the popular drama series Grey’s Anatomy, Sara Ramirez plays a lesbian doctor who abruptly finds out that her father is unaccepting and disgraced by her new ways.  In a recent episode her father returns, but accompanied with the family priest who believes he can help her go back to her heterosexual ways.  An enraged Dr. Torres begins to shout over and over, “You cannot pray away the gay!”  As I sat watching these parents try to pray for their sons and daughters I found myself wanting to say, ‘you cannot pray away the gay,’ and I think in time most of the parents began to realize that.  I find it unfortunate how few parents are excepting of their children when they find out they are gay or lesbian.  This movie challenged my beliefs in Christianity.  I do not wish to be part of a community that holds so much hatred for these individuals.  So I stick to what I believe, that God made each individual for a reason, that we all have a purpose in life, we were all put on this planet for a reason, and that who we love and whether or not we are identified as a female or male is irrelevant to that purpose.

       I began this class hoping to one day be a part of a world that views everyone equally.  In the end of her book, Crawford (2006) challenges us to imagine a world that is nearly opposite of today.  She wants us to imagine a world without sexual violence and abuse, a world without poverty, a world with equal opportunities for everyone, and most importantly equality across sexes, genders, and races (Crawford, 2006).  I cannot help but imagine what a wonderful world that would be.  At the beginning of this class I thought it was impossible for one student or one activist to bring about change.  Margaret Mead states to “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people could change the world” (Crawford, 2006).  With the knowledge I have obtained from this class and a new found drive to transform a society, maybe I can be one of those people.   

So there it is, my baby, that I happen to be very proud of…I never dreamed that this class would change me the way that is has, I like to think for the better.  I challenge you to think about your life, about the person that you are, about the prejudices and discriminations you might hold against others.  Are they necessary? No.  Do you have reliable and valid reasons as to why you hold these thoughts?  Probably not.  Is a better world going to effect you?  Most definitely! You can join me in being part of a thoughtful and commited group.  Changing the world starts with changing yourself and your views on the world.  We have the ability to make this a better place to live. 

The ball’s in your court, it’s your decision on where you want to toss that ball next!

I’m now in (almost done with) my third year of college and still to this day I cannot figure out why in your hardest classes do they always give quizzes/tests on the same days.  I mean seriously?!?!?! I’m convinced that they get together in little psych huddles and plan this.  Whatever it’s college, it’s the real world….but I won’t be taking tests in the real world!!!!